Regret

Look at the opulence and grandeur of any cathedral and you can understand the success of the ritual of penance.

Buy forgiveness for your sins? More like buy the priest some new shoes and a bigger steeple. Am I right?

Beyond the cynicism, lies a reason why it works: for what is a sin but some action you regret, and what is penance but an attempt to atone for it—to make right what you did wrong? We all know God isn’t going to go back in time and reverse your mistake, but maybe, in a grand cosmic sense, this money or these prayers you just put forth will shift the balance the evil your sin caused with some good. Maybe it will make you worthy of forgiveness.

“But that’s not enough! My money won’t make a difference.” Then do something that will. If money or words won’t reverse the mistakes, then dedicate yourself to preventing the same mistakes from ever being made again. If it’s too late to do what you should have when you were younger, make sure others choose a different path. Even if it’s too big to fix, then a small change is better than none. You may not have forgiveness yet, but you can make room for it by getting rid of the hatred. While you can’t change what happened yesterday, you can set yourself up to feel good about tomorrow.

Photo by Grant Whitty on Unsplash

And if you should get offered penance by someone for wrongs they committed in the past? My answer would almost always be: accept. Regardless of whether it goes to you or some church-builder, the effect on the wrong-doer is similar. But the forgiveness that would lighten another’s conscience grows heavier on yours the longer you withhold it.

But who the hell am I to tell you what to do? Nobody, you’re right. The decision is yours. I’m certainly no authority, just somebody who’s made as many mistakes as the next guy, has helped make some right, and has many more he needs to fix.

We all have things we want to take back, and people whom we wish could forgive us. Don’t let refusals turn into more regret.

The Wheel in the Sky is Real: How Karma Actually Works

In Hermann Hesse’s novel Siddhartha, the eponymous hero, who shares his name with that of the OG Gautama Buddha, asks his father for permission to leave society and join a religious cult of half-naked beggars who lead lives of asceticism in the woods.

Dad refuses. (What parent would say yes?)

In response, Siddhartha immediately goes on a stationary strike. Standing stock-still with his arms folded, refusing to speak, eat or drink. After a sleepless night filled with worry, his father relents. Siddhartha gets his way and goes on his journey.

Years later, Siddhartha becomes a single father and tries to gain the love of his son through patience and kindness, showing him the simple pleasures of life in a hut by the river, attempting to open his eyes to spiritual goodness.

In response, son berates dad for robbing him of the material joys of the city, steals his money, and runs away.

Searching the woods once more, this time not as a youth who has left his family but as an old man desperately looking for it, Siddhartha comes to experience what his father must have felt. The terrible anguish that comes with not knowing whether one’s child is alive or dead. The outpouring of love that isn’t even recognized, much less valued or requited, by the recipient. The despair of wishing the best for someone who deliberately chooses the worst.

Neither Siddhartha nor his son ever saw their fathers again.

This is Karma at its realest. Strip away the reincarnation story that says swatting a bug will turn you into an ant in your next life. Forget the “karma is a bitch” bumper sticker and New Age talk of energies and cosmic schadenfreude. And unpack the abstract ‘butterfly effect’ explanation that your actions will set off a chain of “what goes around comes around” that ends up getting you.

What you’re left with is something more psychological, concrete: karma is the causal effect of your behavior on your relationships. A hubris brought on by a lack of empathy. How you treat one person gives those who see it permission to treat you the same way. You will feel the emotions you inflict, oftentimes in profound and unpredictable ways.

At its most basic: Karma is consequences. Sellers are buyers. Servants become masters. Haters also have haters. And who we choose to be in our youth, we will encounter when we are old.

Which is a good thing, because it means Karma also presents a choice.

Recognizing your effect on others means you can always be a better version of yourself. Siddhartha does just that. Seeing the connections between all things, he becomes one with the other Siddhartha . He achieves—and molds his behavior to help others achieve—Buddha-hood.

All our actions are perpetuating cycles. If we want to escape the vicious ones, we need to set better cycles in motion. No permission needed.