Welcome — Our new product is not only highly addictive and endlessly amusing, it’s absolutely free!
That’s right, to start using this highly-coveted, award-winning, peer-backed and critically-acclaimed widget that everyone is already using today, just agree to the terms and conditions and sign over your freedoms. Including but not limited to:
Freedom from snark.
Freedom from too many cat videos.
Freedom from harassment.
Freedom from censorship.
Freedom from influence by advertisers and propaganda.
Freedom from accidentally having your selfies used by advertisers and propagandists.
Freedom from trauma-inducing high-definition imagery.
Freedom from algorithmic manipulation.
Freedom from addiction.
Freedom from paranoia that your friends don’t actually like you.
Freedom from FOMO.
Freedom from participating in exploitative capitalism.
Freedom from unsolicited dick pics.
Freedom from unsolicited sexbot solicitation.
Freedom from espionage (corporate, federal and international).
Freedom from SWAT invasion and other forms of accidental state violence and death by pranking.
Freedom from feeling like you are enough.
If at any time you wish to opt-out from our highly-coveted, award-winning, peer-backed and critically-acclaimed widget, just undergo this lengthy and obscure process for deleting your account and we will be happy to refund you every one of your freedoms at no additional charge.
Except for your free time. That you’re never getting back.
Thank you again for choosing us!